Let’s start by stating the obvious: Rejection hurts.

Regardless of age. Regardless of gender. Regardless of the cause.

Sometimes rejection sticks with you. In seventh grade, for instance, I didn’t make the volleyball team. Tryouts were rigged, I tell you! Small potatoes, I know (time to get over it). The point is, no matter the source or magnitude, rejection is inevitable. And although you can’t control everything that happens to you, you do determine how you react.

An interesting read, How to Deal With Rejection: A Science-Based Approach emphasizes perseverance and cautions against taking it personally, moving on too quickly or giving up. 

Brain scans show that people who get rejected experience a physiological response similar to processing physical pain. 

Getting rejected? It actually, physically hurts. Especially when your goals and dreams are at stake.

Fortunately, it’s possible to learn to take “no” in stride and keep pushing forward. Just ask Adam Grant, the Wharton B-school professor, best-selling author, and host of the popular podcast Worklife.

“The good news is that we can learn to take rejection in stride,” Adam writes. “Take salespeople: They get rejected constantly, and psychologists find that the ones who stick with it are the ones who learn not to take it personally.”

But, while it sounds contradictory, to also take responsibility.

Start With the Relationship
One way to cope with rejection is to blame the other person.

My publisher turns down my idea for my next book? Big mistake; they just don’t get it. A conference decides not to book me as the (virtual) keynote speaker? Big mistake; they’re definitely missing out.

But while shifting the blame to the other person may help me feel better in short term, it’s a terrible way to deal with rejection. My book idea might actually be great, but the market timing could be wrong. My presentation might be great, but totally wrong for the conference theme.  

I’m not to blame. They’re not to blame. The fit – as of this moment – is to blame.

Science agrees with that approach. When you “blame” rejection on the relationship instead of on one person – either you or the other party – you’re much more likely to keep trying. You’ll see the problem as temporary, not final. You’re much more likely to look at ways to improve what you offer. To improve the mutual fit. To improve the timing. … “So often, we take a rejection as a sign that the door has been slammed and locked,” Adam says. “But in some cases, it’s been left ajar. And by failing to give it a little push, we shut it on ourselves.”

Sometimes “no” is final. But sometimes “no” creates an opportunity to find out where you fell short, what you could do differently, or how you could develop a better fit with the person or persons who turned you down.

Symone Skrzycki is the senior communications manager for the Indiana Chamber. She is also a senior writer for the Chamber’s award-winning BizVoice magazine and has been with the organization for 19 years.